Mom.

Mom.

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“What!!? You’re going to Seattle? By yourself!!? Without Charlie!? Jessica, I just don’t get you. Your Father did EVERYTHING with me…”

This had been heavy on my heart these last few weeks. It’s not that she didn’t ‘trust’ me to go by myself… I’m a petite girl from the country that’s never really done much on her own. A part of me I understood her concern: what if something *did* happen? Like, a car accident? Or a Crohns flare so bad that I had to be hospitalized? I didn’t go across the state, I went across the COUNTRY (for those of you who don’t know, I live in New York). And I get it, she loves me and was worried something could happen. After I was there for a few days she did share with me that she always wanted to take a trip by herself (maybe not to the extent that I did). I want to do everything on my bucket list. I want to live a life that would make her proud of me. Work hard. Travel. Finish nursing school. Buy a home. Give my Dad a Grandchild. Nothing is going to stop me from fulfilling my dreams. That woman believed in me when I didnt believe in myself. She pushed me. Thanks Mom.

The Wrap Up..

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The wake and funeral are over. I mailed out the last of the thank you cards over the weekend. My Mom now rests in her favorite spot: the living room with my Dad. And her little bird, Peanut. This is the part I worried about the most: the weeks after her death. When everyone else’s life moves on except ours. When people stop reaching out. Stop checking in. If anyone reading this knows my Dad. Or Sister. Or Niece… (but, mostly my Dad), please just say ‘hey.’ When my Uncle died last year my cousin told me at his wake that ‘she was holding up ok but her heart hurt for her Mom.’ I understand that now. My Dad is my rock. He was the one person I ‘never had to worry about.’ And now, he’s the one I lie awake in bed at night worrying about.

Mom & Dad.

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Oh my Gosh look at the waves in my Dad’s hair! It’s got to be a 70’s thing.

I found myself watching him a lot today. For 46 years he was always part of a unit, and now he’s by himself. Going from the funeral home to my Aunts house for dinner earlier he asked my niece to drive with him, and typical kid she kind of sighed about it (the 30 foot walk from her Moms car to his was a tough one, I’ll admit) so I just went with him. I was grateful to have some one on one time with him, just the two of us. I found myself not wanting to leave him. I even thought about skipping my husband’s soccer game to spend more time with him. But I can’t be around him 24 hours a day. Charlie’s like, almost been standing guard over me and the hovering has been driving me a bit mad. But I know it’s done out of love.

Dying is a part of life. I firmly believe that. Going through pictures yesterday I found a little saying from an old Mary Englebrite calender glued onto one of my baby pictures. It said, ‘a baby is God’s way of saying life goes on.’ I thought that was fitting, especially since we’ve been trying to start a family. She’s still here, living on through me. And my sister and niece. She was wonderful.

Mom – Graduation Day.

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This is my Mom the day of her high school graduation. I can see the happiness and excitement about life in her eyes. Now she’s gone. At the end of her funeral my Dad carried her box of ashes to the back of the church. In 1978 they took the same walk together down the same isle when they got married. But todays journey had a completely different meaning. Life is so short, and so precious. And it’s moving really, really fast. She would have wanted me to live it up, and do as much as I can in the years I have left.

Wedding Rings.

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These are my Grandmothers wedding rings. I very patiently waited for them. My Mom held onto them until she passed, they were really special to her. Now I’ll wear them for the rest of my life, and everytime I look at them I’ll think of not only my husband but my Grandparents and their love story.

Grandma/Grandpa Letters from Korea.

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This will be the last post about my family, I promise. I’m almost done with my piece on Brenda Ball. I’m incredibly behind on my ASL class and I’m dreading checking my email (I’m putting it off until tomorrow morning). Anyways, these are some really neat old love letters my Grandfather sent to my Gram during the Korean War. They were a little older when they got married in 1954 (she was 32 AND two years older than him!), and I’ve always admired that my Gram waited for the right person. She didn’t marry the first attractive guy who looked her way. She’d always tell me not to commit to just one fellow and to date around… and she did, she’d date a few guys at once and not think anything of it. My Grandma had this classic, ol’ timey beauty to her that you don’t see often anymore, and my Grandfather looked like he had a really great sense of humor (he died when my Mom was 11). When I asked my Mom to tell me about her Dad, she said she remembers ‘a lot of giggling in the other room before bed.’ He loved to make her laugh. After he passed away she never had any interest in remarrying, or even dating. My Mom said Grandpa was her one great love and he was it. She wasn’t interested in anyone else. Whats strange is I feel the same way about my husband. All I ever wanted was to get married, to have what my parents had. I thought I had it a few times before him but (thankfully) was wrong. I think he’s the person God made for me, and if anything ever happens to him I’d be done. I hope I never have to worry about that.

Anyways, here’s the cards, and I included a picture of my Grandparents on their wedding day.

A picture of my Grandparents, Richard and Bernice Smith, on their wedding day.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/3.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/3.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 3/3.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/3.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/3.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 3/3.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 1/2.
A card from my Grandpa to my Gram, part 2/2.

Butterflies

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My Grandma died in 2011. I have a really small family, her loss devastated us. She was our matriarch. After she passed my Mom was desperate for something from her, contact or a sign she was ok. I think within a year of her leaving us we went to a psychic fair, and we had some time to kill beforehand so we went out to get some food. We’re chatting up our waitress and at the end of our meal she gave us these butterfly rings. They were pretty and cute but we didn’t think much of it. So we part ways and eventually make it to go see a psychic, who said that whenever my Grandmother was near she’d show herself in the form of a butterfly. I never experienced something like that. It was fitting we put butterflies on my Moms prayer card. I also noticed we picked the same prayer for my Grandma’s card as well.